Democracy for Vancouver

from the Rose Garden, while Cheney and the Cabinet look on (key: DC / Parallel Universe):

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. I just finished a good Cabinet meeting, and I want to thank the members of my Cabinet for serving our country. Because I have asked them all to resign, and thereafter I will immediately follow suit. But before we get to that:

We discussed the challenges facing our economy, amongst other things, and we spent time on the high gasoline prices. Every one of our citizens who drives to work or runs a small business is feeling the squeeze of rising prices at the pump, and they expect their elected leaders in Washington to take some common-sense action.

But unfortunately, given the monumental fuck-ups of my administration in just about every arena that touches our economy and our national energy policy, it would be impossible to address any of these critical issues under the current administration.

We inherited a $5.6 trillion surplus when we took office in 2001; the annual budget was also in surplus and, despite the threat of terrorism and ongoing challenges in the Middle East, the world was at relative peace. The United States, at least, was not embroiled in any major, resource-intensive or diplomacy-imploding conflicts. Gasoline cost around $1.50 a gallon, oil was at $20-$25 a barrel, and while wages had yet to catch up with the productivity gains achieved during my predecessor’s administration, most Americans felt a degree of fiscal - and physical - security.

But during the first year of my Administration, we managed to allow the first major, catastrophic, foreign-sponsored terrorist attack on U.S. soil, forcing us to pour military resources we intended for Iraq into Afghanistan; we reversed our rationale for the biggest taxcuts in the country’s history from “good economy - give back the surplus” to “bad economy - stimulate through deficit spending”; and, despite our unanticipated commitments following September 11, we ramped up planning (and spending) for the Iraq Project, which will end up costing the U.S. at least $1 trillion.

It is undeniable that all these massive, fundamental errors of judgment and action have caused great pain for the American people, sacrificing our blood and treasure overseas while our wars, tax policy and anti-regulation madness have struck a near-mortal wound to the nation’s economic health, leaving millions unemployed, underemployed, in bankruptcy and foreclosure, and wondering how they will survive in this new, weakened United States.

It would be nice if it were possible to help the average American by simply addressing the most visible symptom of the life-threatening parasite which has been my administration over the past seven and a half years, saying something simple and blithely mendacious:

“To reduce pressure on prices, we need to increase the supply of oil — especially here at home. So in June, I called on Congress to lift the legislative ban that prevents offshore exploration on the Outer Continental Shelf.”

It might even be politically expedient - and fun - to blame it on the opposition party which has tried to protect the country from our depredations over the past two terms:

“Unfortunately, Democratic leaders in Congress have refused to allow a vote. And now Congress is about to leave for its August recess without taking any action on this vital priority for the American people.

There is now a growing agreement across our country that the government should permit the exploration and development of these offshore oil resources.

Exploration of the OCS would increase our supply of oil here at home. Experts believe that currently restricted areas of the OCS could eventually produce up to about 18 billion barrels of oil. That’s almost 10 years’ worth of America’s current oil production.

Exploration of the OCS would also create jobs for our citizens. Yesterday, I visited the Lincoln Electric Company in Cleveland, Ohio — it’s a business that produces welding products used for offshore exploration. If Congress were to permit exploration of the OCS, it would mean jobs at businesses such as these. American drivers on — are counting on Congress to lift the ban on offshore exploration — and so are American workers.”

It would be so nice to be able to utter such happy horseshit and give the American people hope. But unfortunately, it’s simply not true.

Bringing OCS resources online is going to would not only take time – the oil companies make money by keeping supplies tight, so there simply is not a surplus of drilling equipment for either onshore or offshore oil or natural gas development available — but those same oil companies are holding at least ten thousand permits for millions of acres both onshore and off that they are not exploiting right now. There’s that nasty supply-and-demand bitch raising her ugly head again. Chevron, Exxon and the like can jack up their bottom line by keeping supply to a minimum, and jack up their stock price by holding the millions of barrels in reserve, in the form of permits held in their control, but off the market. Nice work if you can get it.

I’d love to be able to say, honestly, that this means that the need for congressional action is urgent, and that So I’ve lifted the executive restrictions on offshore exploration; that I’ve done my part. And that this means the only thing now standing now between the American people and these vast oil resources is the United States Congress, but this would be a lie. To say, “The sooner Congress lifts the ban, the sooner we can get this oil from the ocean floor to your gas tank” would be as patently dishonest as all those lies we told to convince you, the American people, that Saddam Hussein posed an existential threat to these once-mighty United States.

Some members of Congress rightly say they object to exploration of the OCS, but they are in favor of other actions — such as taking oil out of the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserve. Well, if you agree that we need more oil, it makes no sense to say you’re for draining our nation’s limited Strategic Reserve, but against tapping into the vast resources of the Outer Continental Shelf. Neither action will get us out of our current hole.

But we must stop digging.

America needs to take every reasonable and responsible step we can do to reduce pressure on gasoline and energy prices. That’s precisely what my administration is doing by resigning. As I’ve said, We’re working to expand domestic oil production will not help us in the short term, will be of only moderate help in the middle term, and in the long-term does nothing to address either the ultimate extinction of fossil fuels as a resource, or the potentially life-threatening damage the burning of these fuels exacts on our environment.

And So at the same time that we are announcing our resignation, we’re working to speed the development of new clean and alternative energy resources by strongly recommending to incoming President Pelosi that Vice President Gore be appointed as Energy Secretary in her new administration. We’re certain that an Energy Secretary Gore would immediately push Congress to raisinge fuel efficiency standards, expanding the use of alternative fuels, and investing in next-generation fuels such as cellulosic ethanol and biodiesel. We’re also convinced that investing in new advanced batteries, and plug-in hybrids, and hydrogen fuel cells can play a part in this country’s ultimate energy independence and environmental stewardship.

While we’rve been working to expand the use of “clean, safe nuclear power, ” knowing that there is no such thing, my administration has ignored solar and wind power, and focusing instead on another fantasy: “clean coal technology.“ With these steps, we’re instead of enhancing America’s energy security — and increasing the supply of clean, safe energy made right here in the United States of America – we have driven the country’s economy and it’s people to the brink of recession, depression, and desperation.

The time for action is now. This is a difficult period for millions of American families. Every extra dollar they have to spend because of high gas prices is one less dollar they can use to put food on the table, or to pay the rent, or meet their mortgages. The American people are rightly frustrated by the failure of Democratic leaders in Congress my administration to enact common-sense do anything but demand short-sighted, polluting, environmentally dangerous and frankly non-sensical “solutions“ — like the development of the oil resources on the Outer Continental Shelf.

There are now just a couple of days left before Congress leaves for its August recess. Legislation to open up this offshore exploration is pending in both the House and the Senate – I withdraw it effective immediately, and resign. All Democratic leaders have to do is swear in President Pelosi, and allow a vote on the critical issues of how they will begin to repair the economy and environment of the U.S. for its citizens. They should not leave Washington without doing so.

Thank you very much.

A girl can dream, can’t she?