I don’t believe all these nervous nellies who go on about how waterboarding is supposed to be some kind of “torture”. Sometimes you just really need information, as that silly old fussbudget next door who turned me in to Child Protection Services failed to understand.

I had to find out which one of my kids painted the cat pink for Halloween, so what else could I do but waterboard them? Our own government says it’s a valid method for extracting information, and it’s a fact that my kids are legally under my care.

After waterboarding the kids, every one of them confessed. So there!

Considering how useful this and many other examples have proven waterboarding to be, we need to immediately issue retroactive pardons to the following people and give them some kind of medal as well, posthumously if necessary.

–Major Edwin Glenn, sentenced to 10 years hard labor in 1901 for waterboarding a Filipino insurgent
–the Japanese soldiers convicted of war crimes by our post WW II military commission for waterboarding US prisoners, thereby giving us a valuable demonstration of how to extract information the successful way
–the US army officer who was court martialled in 1968 for helping to waterboard a prisoner in Vietnam

Write your representatives today and ask them to properly honor our heroes and apologize for punishing them.

Martha Koester

Link for the historical data–